Who Am I? Finding Your True Self
|Click to enlarge for better viewing|
In light of many thoughts recently and experiences over the last year, I want to share with you what I learned about my “self” (or who I am). What you are about to read is both devastating and exciting for me and I know that this is only the tip of the iceberg, but please read, because ultimately, this is who we are (for non-Christians too but without the solution I talk about already in your lives) whether we believe this or not.
The only difference for non-believers is that you have not accepted the solution to the problem. The problem I define here is “self.” You are (or your self is) the conflict between your dying body and your eternal soul. Both are sick from sin. One is dying ( the body), and the other (the soul) is dying to die… but cannot.
Both parts of your self are faced with the sickness of sin, but only one (the soul) knows that it will not die from the sickness. Your soul knows that it cannot die even from the sickness it is consumed with. Ultimately, when the body dies, what the soul fears will come true… ever dying death with no end.
In your soul’s immortal nature, it craves death from the sickness of sin within it, but knows it cannot die. This means, unless there is an answer to the sickness, you will always strive for life in your dying body and yet your soul will cry out for death so that it will no longer suffer the pain of this sickness.
In the end, What our conflicted “self” craves is resolution, life and redemption of some kind. Many of us look our whole lives and never find it, but some have found this answer. Some have experienced the restoration and resolve of the conflicted “self.” So I only ask that you read what I’ve learned about me, to understand why the answer is not in you, not in the world, but somewhere …. in something… someone! …else.
The graph on the top-left should help explain how this conflict happened, but if you are curious about what it means or what is trying to be conveyed then comment on this post and we’ll discuss it. The illustration is not a perfect illustration, merely my interpretation so let’s seek the idea over the details of the image. (NOTE: Use the word Immortal on the “Man” triangle on the left of each illustration instead of the word “eternal.” Eternal conveys something I don’t want it to convey. I should have used the word “Immortal”)
Who Am I?
• I am: Mark Wells. Born June 12, 1978 by the will of God and my parents decision to have a lot of sex their first year of marriage. Sorry mom! I know you will hate that I used the “s” word. 🙂
• I am: Born not only into the Human race, but also under it’s curse. I received in this inheritance – • a Mortal Life, or a body that is limited in both nature, understanding, righteousness and length of life. • A soul that is unable to die or is affected by the outcome of sin the same way my body is. It has no limited life (or better, existence) nor is it’s span of existence limited by the sickness of sin that has infected it. Please note that I believe the body dies twice. I am not gnostic. The body dies here and then dies death along with the soul as long as it is without the solution to the predicament of sin’s curse.
• I am: Born into this world completely separated from God from birth in the sin and curse I inherited by my original federal head Adam. I was born into despair which comes from the conflict between my mortal body and immortal soul. I was born without the knowledge of the perfect relation and intimacy it was once intended to have in God. I was born not only in conflict of soul and body but in the loss of the true “self” (the relation to the contradiction within me) I was meant to be.
• I am: My “self” and the conflict that it naturally IS and has within it, (to be who it was SUPPOSED to be before the fall of man) and due to the loss of intimacy with God, I am constantly searching to find the pieces missing and the fix for both body and soul necessary for my “self” to find the resolve it needed for peace… or shalom.
• I am: Always searching for something to heal my conflicted self. Always forgetting the solution. Always forgetting the redemption that’s mine. I made and continue to make gods of things that seem to sooth the pain for a time but have found that all of those things were merely temporary fixes to symptoms and did not offer nor will ever offer the solution to this conflict within my self.
• I am: A Christian, baptized into the church and into the Holy Sprit (the very “self” of God) Though I did not know until now, nor understand until now, the extent to which the following statement is true:
That God’s “self” or Spirit was the very piece my “self” longed for. It was the disconnect of the relation to His “self” that was causing my conflict to continue without resolve or allow my body and soul to find the redemption it needed to labor and enjoy life as it was designed to do before sin entered the world.
• I am: Now rejoined to God through His “self.” His self is now intimate with my “self” in such a perfect way that even when my despair, that comes from the sinful nature within me, flares up and causes me to doubt or push away, or seek purpose and gods outside of him, He remains there, connecting me to himself because my conflicted “self” no longer belongs to me, it belongs to the Cross and it died there with Christ. Though it pulls and tears at me and dwells in my body and soul, it is not me. It is simply the convulsing of a dead snake. It can frighten me. It can wound me, but it can’t kill my new “self”
I am NOT in “self” any of these things:
– a Carpenter
– a salesman
– an artist
– a winner or a loser
– a President
– a pastor
– a good friend or a bad one
– a success or a failure
– someone else
– the conflict that is part of me
– Rich or Poor
– the answer, nor are the answers found in me.
I AM NOT…. anything more than conflict and despair until now.
now I AM this: …. God’s… and His only.
Because of WHO God IS and how he is now joined in Covenant to my “self”:
I am what HE purposes me to be.
I am what HE allows me to be.
I am in Nature against Him, but in “self,” bound in Him and He in me.
I am no longer a valid candidate for the solution to my problems or for godship.
I am under the redemption and solution to my conflict and sin/dying nature which can only be found in the relationship that was established in the death of Jesus… Thus I am bound eternally and have a perfect relationship in my “self” to the “self” of God… He has sealed this and made it impossible for me to ignore or reject in revealing himself to myself and the hope of the relationship in redeeming my conflict.
I am both sick/dying in nature and ALIVE forever in “self.”
I am God’s child
I am God’s friend
I am God’s servant
I am God’s purpose in and through me.
I am so tied to His nature that any refusal of it will go terribly wrong for me because He is the navigator, the shaper, the fire and the very death of my death and will not settle for less than what He wants for my life… Even if that means he kills my body to save my “self”. He is now in my “self” because my “self” is in Him and that’s WHO I AM now…. I am God’s forever… I am his purpose for me! Simply living in the world as an extension of his hand, arm, leg heart… whatever part he intends me to play. That is what I am.
I can look for MY “purpose” forever; I can look for things to sooth the pain within me and build gods around me that make me feel better for a time, but until I learn who I really am in my”self”… Who HE is and how we are bound in “self” through His Covenant with me, I will never be anything more than a living, breathing, walking conflict in constant despair. Nothing more.